We tried to go to the library on Wednesday. It's still too traumatic to talk about, but suffice to say we won't be back for a long time. Yep, this "incident" beats Elf's terrified, purple-faced screaming that there was a BOMB in the library last time we went... a year ago... because he saw some Muslims near the movies. Yeah, that was great. Better still? The library patrons were visibly angry... at the Muslims. Scaring that boy by wearing that getup, is what those ladies were doing.
Sometimes you just can't win. I felt awful, especially in light of the fact that I couldn't apologize. Elf was absolutely hysterical that he was gonna die, and we just had to get out of there. I don't think I want to know what happened after we left. The things people say about us, blessedly, don't get back to us often. Probably because we're never out and about on the town to hear it.
The only time Elf and Emperor get to see other children is at church on Wednesday nights. Sundays? Let's just say they've been ruined. This is also too traumatic to talk about. I'm not ready. But this all serves me right for trying to socialize the children by bringing them to preschool story time. I thought maybe... just maybe... we'd have a forgiving audience and people who would overlook social flubs.
I forgot about the children's parents. And the librarians. And that Woodjie would get overwhelmed JUST as Elf and Emperor need to look at books.
I can't do it all. I can't be everywhere. My children are NOT FUNCTIONING in the world, and the worse that happens, the more I have to pull in. The more I pull the kids in, the worse it gets over time.
But we just can't be having bomb threats in the library every week, people. Those other people deserve to have a relaxing experience.
Does that mean we should NEVER go out? Elf and Emperor shouldn't be able to check out books? Or go to the store? Or church? I'm admitting right here and now I don't have everything and everybody under control, and I need *help.* I've been formally asking for it since April through a center.
Since April. They still haven't gotten their paperwork together, and after they do? Two YEAR waiting list for help. If the children qualify. If the funding is still there. If.
I've got to admit here that I've really let myself go. I'm in despair. I've gained 30 pounds, and it isn't pretty.
Maybe those 30 pounds wouldn't be an issue to most people, but that's on TOP of the 70 extra I already had, and that sorta means that the picture you look at of me? Um, it's not very accurate. Oh! And all my hair is falling out. You can see my scalp. Ask me how often I get my hair done to disguise this. I keep thinking that a prairie bonnet would be a lot of fun to wear. I like bonnets. But they don't go with the velour fat-lady pantsuits I've been donning of late. They just... don't. But every day could be a bad hair day with a bonnet! Oops, but that would have to tie under one of my chins. If you have three chins, what's the proper etiquette for that?
I'm not the only one who has noticed what a fat lard-o I've become. I received an encouraging phone call from a neighbour. She wanted to let me know about a book that has changed her life. She's wanted to talk to me about it for a long time. She's noticed that I lost a lot of weight years ago, and that I'm yo-yoing again. And that I put all my weight on in my stomach. (Ok, all this is true, but I can feel the tears burning as I'm listening to her on the phone.) And that's really not healthy.
I'm trying, really hard, between gulps, to explain to her that I am just leading a rather sedentary lifestyle at the present and that when I get more time for exercise, I am sure I'll lose some weight. Thanks for calling.
OH, NO, she tells me. Rush Limbaugh or some guy proves that you can lose weight and be sedentary. You just follow the plan. I told her to tell me really slowly what it was so I could write it down. Well, I did write it down and tell her I'd talk to her later.
Not that I specially feel like looking that up at this point. I'm just feeling mighty blindsided. Where on earth did that come from? Why couldn't she take the "I don't want to talk about this" hint when I pulled the "I'm sure I'll be fine later... thanks for calling" line on her? My word. I tell you, this feels worse than when people ask me when the baby is due. Yes, they do.
I think I'll go hide now.