28 March 2012

GO AWAY.

Dear Scott and Friends:

I'm tired of you showing up at my house several times a year.  Sending me pictures in the mail.  Notes on my door.  Just actin' crazy!

I told you I DO NOT WANT YOU HERE when we first met almost 15 years ago and you still come around.  You must either think I'm some kind of Sugar Mama with tons of cash lying around, or that I am interested in the chemical concoctions you keep sellin' to everyone in the neighbourhood.  You have the little old ladies up and down the street all fooled.  But I am not interested in you.

Twice yesterday I had to deal with you and your stupid little clipboard.  Both times I told you "I. Am. NOT. Interested." and to go away.  I know... I just know... this is not the last time I will hear from you.  I know the economy is bad and you really want a sale.  But what's it gonna take... I'm starting to think whatever I have to do to get you to go away might be worth the jail time.  You are worse than the Mormons and every neighbourhood kid doing a "fundraiser" shakedown at my door combined.

It really bothers me that I can't legally block you from contacting me.   I don't think anyone is going to do anything about it - ever - if you show up uninvited yet again.  It's sales.  Somehow that isn't harassment.

You're pretty creative about it, though.  The drug baggie you left at my door was the oddest attempt to get me to contact you.  You basically left me bits of my own yard in the bag - evidence of your trespassing.  With a note about my weeds and a "call me so I can help" sales pitch. 

I'm sorry.  If I were fat (pretend this is hypothetical), would I want you taking my picture and sending it to me in a bag with a note along the lines of, "Look what a big butt you have, I can help with that?"  My goodness.

I don't care if you "noticed" my moles.  Or my dandelions.  Or my weeds.  My neighbours already "notice" these things and guess what?  I don't live in a homeowners' association area so if they don't like it, they can call you to spray crap on THEIR lawn. 

I've been reading up on your sales techniques and those of your competitors.  You use Google Earth to make sales and study demographics?  Scotts Lawn Care, duuude... the more you keep contacting me the more you are creeping me out and getting me angry.  Surely there is an app for that.

10 comments:

  1. They picked weeds out of your yard and hung them on the doorknob? That is HILARIOUS.

    We had a weed service come spray our yard without our permission, and then try to collect money. I kept getting all these late notices and hate mail about paying the bill. I called and they tried to tell me my husband authorized them to do it. It was really aggravating. It went on forever. But I WON!

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  2. OK, you have more claim to get upset and angry than I do. I have read horror stories online when I was doodling around and googling/writing today.

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  3. Wow!
    Guess it's lucky the Girl Scouts didn't show up with cookies at the front door, eh? Here it is meat.
    MEAT. Yup, dudes in white vans with white coats saying they have extra steaks and what a great deal for you. Obviously some horses (or dogs) are missing.
    Fortunately our volunteer Security Patrol is able to scare them away .....

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  4. Ha ha! I usually buy an obligatory box or two if it's a kid from our street. Worth it as vandalism protection/extortion. Once the price of the boxes get over $5, I will have to analyze whether the goodwill is worth the cash outlay.

    BTW, we had meat trucks too! For about 10 years! The previous owners must have had some sort of odd relationship with these guys because they would show up at strange times with "extra." ONLY our house. Then when we'd say no, they'd turn around and go somewhere else.

    It took them TEN YEARS to update their system. Scotts Lawn Care is just a little slower on the uptake...

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  5. It's not trespassing to touch/remove something from someone's lawn??

    I'd plan an art class with the boy and have him help make a nice hand painted sign that says 'No trespassing! Momma's an excellent shot and knows how to dig a hole.' Then draw some epic crosshairs at each corner.

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  6. I wouldn't want anyone to dig around near the um, "bare spots" in my yard so I'm thinking I'd better not do that...

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  7. When we moved in 10 years ago, I would entertain any sales person who showed up... if it was reasonable, I would buy. Now, they don't dare ring my bell... they know I don't deal with solicitors. If I want something, I will go to the store and buy it. What changed? A mix of the economy and tricksters ticked me off.

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  8. Can you put a sign that says "No Scott's Lawn Care" sales? Would that help? That is soooooooo annoying!

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  9. I like Jenny's idea. That's what I would do!

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  10. Get a water pistol.. you know .. one kids would play with. When they come to the door, squirt them!
    If they come back again, add blue food colouring to the water. THAT should stop them!

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Non-troll comments always welcome! :)