Dear Scott and Friends:
I'm tired of you showing up at my house several times a year. Sending me pictures in the mail. Notes on my door. Just actin' crazy!
I told you I DO NOT WANT YOU HERE when we first met almost 15 years ago and you still come around. You must either think I'm some kind of Sugar Mama with tons of cash lying around, or that I am interested in the chemical concoctions you keep sellin' to everyone in the neighbourhood. You have the little old ladies up and down the street all fooled. But I am not interested in you.
Twice yesterday I had to deal with you and your stupid little clipboard. Both times I told you "I. Am. NOT. Interested." and to go away. I know... I just know... this is not the last time I will hear from you. I know the economy is bad and you really want a sale. But what's it gonna take... I'm starting to think whatever I have to do to get you to go away might be worth the jail time. You are worse than the Mormons and every neighbourhood kid doing a "fundraiser" shakedown at my door combined.
It really bothers me that I can't legally block you from contacting me. I don't think anyone is going to do anything about it - ever - if you show up uninvited yet again. It's sales. Somehow that isn't harassment.
You're pretty creative about it, though. The drug baggie you left at my door was the oddest attempt to get me to contact you. You basically left me bits of my own yard in the bag - evidence of your trespassing. With a note about my weeds and a "call me so I can help" sales pitch.
I'm sorry. If I were fat (pretend this is hypothetical), would I want you taking my picture and sending it to me in a bag with a note along the lines of, "Look what a big butt you have, I can help with that?" My goodness.
I don't care if you "noticed" my moles. Or my dandelions. Or my weeds. My neighbours already "notice" these things and guess what? I don't live in a homeowners' association area so if they don't like it, they can call you to spray crap on THEIR lawn.
I've been reading up on your sales techniques and those of your competitors. You use Google Earth to make sales and study demographics? Scotts Lawn Care, duuude... the more you keep contacting me the more you are creeping me out and getting me angry. Surely there is an app for that.