15 April 2010

We Make Good Decisions

Some situations I'm sure no one would ever get wrong... I'm just writing entertaining examples of what pretend children might do wrong. In theory. For entertainment purposes only.

1. You're nine years old and in the Wednesday church class with TWO OTHER children besides your little brother. It's not often your mom lets you out, very nearly unsupervised like this. I mean, one teacher and four students? She's brave.

So here you are. The tiny six-year-old you've been playing with since his fourth birthday clenches his little kindergarten-sized fist and asks if you want "one of these." How will you respond?

Correct response: "Thou foolish knave! Quite the bad idea, indeed, sir! Perhaps you ought unclench your fist and attend to the lesson on 'how to be a good witness for Jesus.' Of a certainty, your mother wouldn't wish to hear of your inattentiveness in class. Not to mention, you disrupt my intense concentration on the moral teaching."

Incorrect response: Punch the kid in the gut, hard, and then tell him, "Yeah. You try it now, buddy." Remark to your mother (after she is called out of church by a flustered substitute teacher who now openly admits her teaching skills are "rusty" and she really wasn't expecting a situation like this to pop up when she took over the class this week) that he deserved it because he was ASKING for it. There was no choice in the matter; you had to punch him!

2. You are eight years old and stuck in a doctor's office for ten and a half whopping minutes. Do you:

Correct response: Obey Mother's explicit direction and stay seated, absolutely silently, with your hands folded in your lap and your eyes forward.

Incorrect response: Jump about and carelessly rip expensive "medical poster" with your silly backward swimming motions. Hum incessantly, even after being told five times to stop. Keep trying to kiss your little sister even after she has asked you nicely to dop it many times and has now resorted to screaming, kicking and doing the big pouty face. (Laugh at the cute pouty face and give her another kiss. Ignore Mom when she tells you to quit it and make oldest brother physically intervene.) Goad Mother into doing the threatening you with her eyeballs thing after the doctor enters the room and pretend not to notice hand signals for #1 and #2. Then act surprised when she turns from the doctor to you and says, "No star," after you've stomped on your brother because his foot was on 'your' side. Snuffle all the way out to the car that it isn't fair and how God will punish Mom someday for being so mean. Fold your arms and stomp through the parking lot, attracting the attention of an old couple who did things way better when they parented in 1936.

3. You are three years old. Mom needs you to eat Cheerios and watch TV for half an hour so that she can work on a Bible lesson with your older brothers. Your older brothers really, really need a Bible lesson. Do you:

Correct response: Sit quietly and try to find all three pawprint clues. Watch carefully so that you don't miss any!

Incorrect response: Jump the gate again and again and again. Mess with everyone's Legos and Pokemon cards. Refuse to go potty when Mom comes over. Wait until she leaves and jam a DVD movie you would rather see (Pokemon creatures make death sounds movie #2002) sideways into the VCR side of the player. Wet your pants several times and pretend it wasn't you. Laugh at Mom's silly notion that it is "potty time" and tell her no while you try to hide. Put Cheerios between your toes and try to eat them. Pull your sister's hair. Fall asleep right after Dad takes over.


  1. Seeing as these are all hypothetical situations I am not sure how to respond. Except that my day today is one that would cause me to lean with the second option on each scenario. Yup. That's whay my kid's would pick. ;-)

  2. Oh my! I'm so glad that those "hypothetical" kids aren't your kids. I think they might be mine, though.

  3. I remember those years all too vividly. I'm so glad I didn't have any children like that either. Especially Daniel. He was very nearly perfect . . .

  4. You are a mother, surrounded by a pack of wild hyenas, I mean children, who are determined to kill themselves or each other while Daddy is out of town ordering room service and watching teevee, I mean on business. It is taking every ounce of energy you have to keep everyone alive and fed for 5 days. Bathing and teethbrushing have become optional.

    Correct response: "oh children, lights of my life - come, let us go outside and pick flowers, weave them thru our hair and run thru a field of daisies while we sing hymns..."

    Incorrect response: Turn the tv to Nickelodeon and hide in the bathroom with one of those tiny airline bottles of liqour.

  5. Hypothetically speaking line hypothetical children up & explain s~l~o~w~l~y that the next child to fray mean mum's nerves will suffer one of the following: [No, you don't get to choose; mum chooses]

    Pegged to the Hill's Hoist by their toe~nails & spun round & round till they can't stand upright...

    Given one free pass to the moon without checking accuracy of return orbit...

    A one way trip to the Centre of the Earth with Jules Verne.

    Hyperthetically speaking...lol Rather you than me. You have the patience of a saint.

  6. RE Your question: no, Steve can no longer become a Police Officer.


Non-troll comments always welcome! :)