01 June 2010

The Keebler Elf Chronicles

Elf is nearly 10. It's time for him to give up this idea that he is really a Keebler Elf. People sort of think that's a bit odd when you insist that.

"But I really *am* a Keebler Elf," Elf insists.

"No, really," I tell him. "Let's have a serious talk here, Elf. Time to be really honest. We like to pretend that you are a Keebler elf, and that you go to the Keebler factory at night when everyone is sleeping to make cookies, but you've really never been there."

"I go there every night! I make the cookies!" He folds his arms.

"The truth is that the Keebler factory is in Battle Creek, Michigan, and that it employs ADULTS, not elves, and that you have never been there."

"But the Keebler TREE; I've been to that. You're thinking of a different place!"

"No, Elf." I'm trying to speak calmly so he can really listen. "We both know the Keebler Tree and the Keebler elves are just advertising. There are really no Keebler elves, and you have never been to the Keebler factory."

"Explain the cookies, then. You KNOW they don't just show up at the store. I AM a Keebler elf and I do make the Keebler cookies."

"Elf... I'm being serious." (I'm seeing Elf is getting pretty upset... so we'll try a different tack.) "Older elves like to pretend to visit Rivendell and see Frodo..."

"THAT is such a LIE. I don't go to Rivendell! I'm a KEEBLER elf!!"

How should I reason with that? "Okayyy... but when you turn ten, it will be time to stop pretending the Keeblers, Elfie."

"I object!"

You... object?

"I object! And I want a fair trial!! This isn't fair!"

"Elfie. Elfie..." I don't even know what to say (sigh). "You know in a dictatorship, you don't get a fair trial."

"I know. But I want one anyway!"

"Elfie... you know even with a trial you would have no way of proving you are a Keebler elf."

"I can so! I have the keychain from Ernie!!" (Yep. The Keebler people sent him a plastic "Ernie" elf keychain several years ago. I guess now it's proof that he's an elf.)

"Elfie... you know that keychains don't prove that you are a Keebler elf. It's time that we stop pretending that you are a Keebler elf, little man."

"This is NOT FAIR!" Elf has hopped off the couch and is standing with his hands on his hips. "I want a fair trial! And I have a keychain! And I can show you my Elf ID just as soon as I am done colouring it! I can really prove that I AM AN ELF AT THE KEEBLER FACTORYYYYY!"

Ohhhhhh.... kay. Guess we'll talk about this later.


  1. Ever seen Martian Child with John Cusack? Some of it will sound familiar. :)

  2. Maybe by the time he is 20 you can convince him ?? Good luck with that. ;-)

  3. Poor boy... maybe you should try that conversation again when he's a few years older!
    And maybe don't call him Elf anymore?

  4. How about you go with it and send him in the kitchen to whip up some of those shortbread cookies with the chocolate stripes?

  5. I like Deb's idea. I did think your tactic to re-direct him towards the older elves. That was good.

  6. I like Deb's idea too! :)
    I hope your next conversation about it goes better. We had a similar problem several years back when Tyler was into playing Madden on the Playstation and was completely convinced he was a real NFL coach. And they say that autistic kids don't have good imaginations. I think not!

  7. How about a retirement party? When Keebler elves turn 10, they become human boys for good? You could make a big deal about it, do something like create a box full of his Keebler stuff to bury in the backyard as a time capsule that he'll dig up when he's 15 or so.

  8. This was a very funny blog post, but I am still a Keebler Elf.



Non-troll comments always welcome! :)