http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25589588
OK, the birth mom in this story is allegedly a 23-year-old drug user who knows she can't take care of the child. Far from being "given up" on, this child has been given a REAL SHOT AT LIFE by the mother's actions. Maybe it's true she's a druggie. Maybe it's true she's off having sex with a fellow she's not married to. But to my mind, she did the right thing by the child by giving her up for adoption. The news story makes it sound like she was dumped without a care, and I highly doubt it's true. In my opinion, biological moms who VOLUNTARILY give up their children for selfLESS reasons (no money changing hands, etc.) deserve at least a modicum of respect no matter the situation. I think it's counterproductive to what should be everyone's goal (healthy child in healthy family) to villainize the biological mom when there are so many other "choices" she could make such as abortion, abandonment and keeping the baby without changing her lifestyle.
It's the first potential adoptive mom I have hard time reading about. Very selfish. She's 48 years old, and basically says she doesn't want to deal with the heartache when she finds out her prospective child is defective. Sorry to be harsh, but there it is. As the mom of two diagnosed and possibly three total autistic kids, I find this beyond heartless. Here's a woman who has the means to adopt and has passed whatever "test" has been thrown at her (financial, home study, etc.). Here is a person who is in a POSITION to become a parent and who declared her readiness. Well, 'till things got tough, anyway. Or maybe she'd have stuck around for this baby if it weren't for the fact that her in vitro worked and she'll get a real kid of her own instead of someone else's castoffs.
(Can you tell I'm a little steamed and being sarcastic?? I hope so. I'd hate to be flamed in the comment section for nothin'.)
Yes, I'm judging the potential adoptive mom more harshly than the bio mom. Maybe that's just me. Maybe there's much more to this story than we're told. But sure sounds like they're trying to paint the bio mom in a bad light and I think at *least* we can recognize that she realized her personal parental defects and yes, "gave the child up"... in the hopes of a better life. Who knows, but maybe the prospective adoptive mom did the same thing. Sigh.
God bless ya. Thanks for dealing with this probably over-opinionated post but I felt like sharing.
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Adoption is a difficult thing, and my wife and I aren't even half way through it. And the media's take on things isn't helping make this particular situation any easier.
ReplyDeleteBut, yes, I agree: To give up your child can be very, very selfless. And, yes, adoptive parents can be very selfish... but there's a lot of sacrifice in all that as well.
And so: It's a toss up. It's really hard to say what's really going on. Time may tell, but unless something sensationalistic happens, the media isn't going to tell us about it.
~Luke
I hate the word "give up a child" in relationship to a child. Choose an adoption plan is only somewhat better as most women really don't have a choice. I usually say make an adoption plan.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is that in order for an adoption to occur, a terrible loss occured first, the impact of which will be felt a lifetime (even if the child is placed in a "good" home).
As for the adoptive mother, perhaps it is good that she knows her limitations. I think about Sean Paddock whose adoptive mother killed him. Adoptive parenting is different in many ways from parenting a birth child. Hurting children just don't always get better with just love. I didn't accept the referral of a child who needed more than I felt I could handle. It was heartbreaking.
I'm not doubting you, Julie. I just *feel* that when she flew out to get the kiddo, she was committed. She's gone through all the hoops and SAID yep, this is her kid. Then when the baby she's holding has a problem she backs out... What would the nurses think of me at the hospital if I did that with MY bio babies??
ReplyDeleteYeah, I guess it's better she did back out. Maybe if I didn't know that she was preg. in vitro I wouldn't pitch a hissy fit about it...
I think rejecting a potential placement is absolutely ok... I can't say that if I were not a parent yet but were given the run-down on potentially adopting my six kids that I wouldn't turn tail and run (it's a lot of work and the kids do have problems, most of them).
But when you're a birth parent,you kind of accept what you get and we don't get to decide the age and temperment of our children.
I think adoptive parents can really get burned by the "it's not really your kid" mentality, and birth parents raising their own kids get the "everything that turns up wrong with your kid is your fault" sort of thing.
Mmmm... Maybe I just thought of the adoptive mom as a "parent" earlier in the process than the actual adoption? I thought of you as Beverly and David's mom way, way before they came home and exactly when does a mom become a mom that way... When they arrive home? When you visit the kid? After you've told everyone the kid is yours and claimed it??
Hard to explain what I'm saying, just that I think the story is villainizing the bio mom a bit unfairly... and I'm not saying she's perfect... but... well there ya go.