08 April 2010

Flab-bergasted.

I have a big bruise on my arm from the screen door handle. It's one of those deceptive doors that slowly sssss-ss-ssss their way close and then SLAM! shut. My arm was the victim of the SLAM! It used to be a lot worse. Now it resembles a horseshoe (one end of which you can't see because of the shadow of my head). I keep threatening to go outline it in sharpie marker and write GANGSTA or something in graffiti script over the top, just because I can.

So during homeschool, I'm not letting Emperor rub my arm and constantly pull on me like he always does. It's amazing how often he does this... I hadn't noticed until I became injured, but the fact is that he must ALWAYS be touching and playing around with something, and I would rather have my arm kneaded constantly than see him jumping about and poking his brother. I just don't want him to do it right now.

"Well," he tells me, "You should wear shorter sleeves so that I can see the bruise and be reminded not to do that."

Ok... I roll my sleeve up.

"You have very flabby arms." I'm shocked and flabbergasted. Really. I tell him that that's not a nice thing to say, that it hurts people's feelings when you call them fat, and to not do that again before I get mad.

"I didn't say that!" He's truly offended. "Don't put words in my mouth like that... I only meant to say your arm muscles are very flabby, not the bone part! You just must be eating a lot of fatty foods!"

Did I just hear what I heard? In the background, I see Elf is waving his hands in front of his face and mouthing ohh, you don't want to say that.

"WHAT?" Emperor is mad. "I never said anything bad! Her fat is mostly not on her arms anyway."

Ohhh boy. Um, well... Emperor... people get their feelings hurt when you say that they have "flabby" arms. That's kind of the same thing as saying they're fat. (I'm planning a good cry later.)

A long discussion ensues in which Elf decides he's going to defend me and declare that I am not fat. And there is nothing wrong with his mom. (Aww... thanks, Elf.) In fact, I am actually a little too skinny some places. Like right there.

YES. He did. He pointed right at my boobs.

What a humiliating day. I find myself wondering if I can count this as "social skills" teaching time, or just put a "no, we never did study 'how to do an outline' today... wasted homeschool day..." into my journal.

9 comments:

  1. Ha ha. little boys and their big mouths eh?
    Griffin says similar things to me... and pokes 'places' too! lol

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  2. I hope you don't mind that I had a chuckle at your expense.

    Several of Meg's little friends have asked me if I was pregnant. It's a real ego boost, isn't it.

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  3. Oh my! So sorry to laugh so hard at your pain. I, too, know how it feels to be poked and pinched and kneaded all day long. I guess I can be thankful that Nutkin can't tell me exactly what he thinks of my squishy body!

    No, I take that back. I think I'd be willing to hear even that ;o).

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  4. Oh sweetie. Please know. I didn't mean to laugh, really I didn't. It was the bit about Elf trying to wave his little brother off, and, then in trying to save you, promptly put his own pointed little foot in his mouth.

    I took my five year old nephew with me to pick up my oldest from high school last year. I should have seen it coming when he hugged me and told me what a big soft belly I had. But, nooo, I took him out in public anyway. At the top of his bright little voice we were treated to such observations as "Ooh. That girl is so fat." "That man is really bald." "Why does that boy have such big ugly hair?" and so on. By the time we got back out to the car, it was all I could do to not put my hands over his mouth. When I returned him to my sister later I asked if they'd been talking about inappropriate versus appropriate statements. "Oh, I forgot to warn you about that," she said.

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  5. I was sober as ~ until the boobs bit. Sorry. I admit. I lost it. Absolute howler. What little genms you do have! ♥

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  6. I too was really touched by Elf trying to warn his little brother--that is so sweet. Back in my thinner days (size 10--so not skinny, but thinner) I actually had a wanne be boyfriend tell he me he was surprised that I wasn't bigger "there" because I was such a big girl. Needless to say--he no longer had a chance. Mary's story was GREAT! I loved her sister's response.

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  7. Sorry to hear about your arm and ... your skinny boobs! ROTF laughing!

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  8. Aw, talk about adding insult to injury.

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  9. Ha ha ha!
    Oh .. as the Dad I should be outraged .. but your composition is really funny! And great too!

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