(By Emperor. Based on his modern interpretation of the Beowulf character. Reprinted with permission.)
One day, in a bog, Grendel ate his breakfast. Later he said to his dad, "I'm tired of cooked mortal meat EVERY day! We should get some raw!"
Then his dad said, "Fine, then we go shopping!" So they left Grendel's mom home and went on foot to Wal-Mart. Grendel asked his dad if he could eat a customer while his dad shopped. Dad thought and said, "If the manager is not watching and only one." He also warned Grendel to wash his hands after he ate because Mom doesn't like blood on her carpet.
Well, something came on the news at Grendel's home while they were out. The news reporters were speaking of a missing customer. They talked about some bones on the floor and they say it may be some evidence for us wise reporters and detectives.
Grendel's mom panicked. "My poor innocent Grendel is at that store!"
She drove like a speeder to the Wal-Mart parking lot. In her hurry, she forgot to dress up and she only had her underwear on. When she got out of the car, some customers just ignored her thinking that she was a crazy person.
She ran into the store and took a look at the evidence. She saw no claws, so she reasoned that Grendel just ate another customer. She went looking for Grendel and his dad. She eventually found Grendel's dad alone with a worried look on his face. She yelled, "What's going on?!"
"Grendel is on an Easter hunt," he said. "He is hoping to get a big chocolate bunny for dessert."
"Ok, let's get out of here, then," she said. They found Grendel eating the bunny without checking it out. They put the bunny back on the shelf half-eaten. Then they got a new one and checked out.