Isn't it a beautiful thing when Christians bear one another's burdens, so fulfilling the law of Christ? One great way to do this is to join a medical expense "ministry." You send in your monthly "sharing" obligation and PRESTO! Your medical expenses are paid in return.
And never fear, you won't have to pay for anyone else's immoral lifestyle ever again. Thankfully, in addition to not having to pay for anyone's abortions as you might expect, you also won't have to pay for mental illness.
I know, I know. "Why mental illness?" you're thinking. "I could see abortion, because most Christians think that's murder. But I thought that mental illness as we understand it today is the result of some sort of natural chemical imbalance in the brain."
Oh, no, no. Mental illness, you see, is not a Christian thing to have. Our pre-Copernican and extremely scientific minds have reasonably theorized that you must have a demon that needs prayer (cheaper that way). That, or, as I could attest from listening to the radio last week, depression is caused by, and can be completely alleviated by, being more grateful. That's right! Make up those "gratitude lists" and get off the couch and do stuff for others. Stop being such a loser! (It's cheaper that way, as well.) NOW you've got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in your heart. If you don't, you're not living Biblically. Repent.
And rest your conscience, good and loving Christian. Under this "ministry" plan (we are careful never to use the term "insurance," mind you) you will never have to pay for bastard children to be delivered into this world. (That'll teach that mom not to go have sex outside marriage again! Loving 'em into the Kingdom, we are.) Requests for "sharing" medical expenses if the parents haven't been married and sending in their "sharing" money for the full nine months will be denied. We also deny all help for STD treatments unless you can prove rape documented at the police station. So lady, better marry well because if your husband cheats on you, YOU are out of luck with our little Christian community.
I know you're really excited about this Christian health option and want to join. You need a medical exam certifying that you're healthy already. Your BMI must be within the healthy range, and your waist less than 35 inches around. You cannot have ANY pre-existing conditions. Jesus doesn't want to "share" his medical money with all you defective people, so go away if you have any of those. For plan members, though, we want you to know that if you just pray hard enough and eat your vegetables, the disease reversal plan in the upper right corner of our website may just work for you!
Oh, and finally: the Christian testimony. You have to have documentable evidence that you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. We reserve the right to send investigators out to interview your pastor to make sure that you're for real.
Sign up today!!