Anyone Else Do This?

Say you've come across a news story. Like this one. Ok, just read it a sec.

Done?

Did you just go, "Nevermind the stupid half-rotten fort. Why are they dredging for PCBs? And WHAT is a PCB?" and want to look that up? Hm. I did. PCBs are contaminants in the Hudson River that General Electric is paying to clean up. Um...

I lived in New York as a child. Near the Hudson River. Probably drank that stuff for years. Is that why my children are autistic? I found myself asking that stupid question, despite being a member of the "stupid things people say causes autism" group on Facebook.

But you CAN get "chloracne" from it. It says so right there. Do you know what "chloracne" is? Zits you get from exposure to certain toxins. And do you know what helps it? Eating potato chips with olestra in 'em.

So maybe if I feed Woodjie some Olestra, he will speak in full sentences. No, no. Maybe the answer to all life's problems must be dumping all the Olestra in the world into the Hudson River. Works for me if Obama pays for it.

I'm still not clear on where the "stuff they dredge up" goes when they get these PCBs up. I mean... it has to go somewhere. Hopefully not Missouri.

And how do they figure out that Olestra helps chloracne? Did some guy come into his doctor's office and go, "By gracious, after I ate 17 bags of these chips, I pooed my pants and about half the living room trying to make it to the toilet. But look how clean and beautiful my face looks!"

And how did they figure out most anything? My brief perusal on science blogs shows me that scientists like to use Greek (yuck!) and math (double yuck!). It's never, "I know ten people who ate Olestra stuff, and they all got the farts after so bad that..." It's some sort of formulaic thing with "control groups" and whatnot. How do they pick who gets to be in the "control group?" I remember trying to qualify for some stupid control group and they told me I was too white, too rich and too educated. (And they are? Too stupid. As if my preschooler is at any advantage because of these factors. You're testing whether the kid knows his ABC's and stuff. Is the poor black family going to come to you and say, "Well, we wanted to teach our son his ABC's, but we could only afford up to the letter G." You morons.)