Guide to Dinner Manners

I wish I could record Patrick for just ten random minutes and play it back here so you can see what life is really like with this kid. 

About half the dinnertime conversation is my having to tell Emperor and Elf to quit giggling and remind Patrick - yet again! - that what he said was not appropriate. (Well, why?) and having to go into WHY it is not appropriate and arguing with him about the propriety of discussing this or that.  Then I'm never quite sure if his remarks are "smartie" remarks or, "Mom, I really don't get it..." types of questions.  He's just too deadpan.  And he's so, so smart that he can spin the sarcastic remark in such a way that you're never quite sure if he's serious about what's flying out of his mouth at any given moment.  Sometimes he genuinely has no clue.  It doesn't matter how smart he is; sometimes the guy doesn't see why you're so offended...  Or why saying *this* statement is just a joke but *THIS* gets Mom mad?

It just does!  Arg.

So in an effort to prevent further misunderstandings, here's a guide to dinner manners for dear Patrick and other teens who happen to be reading:

Juuuust because I discussed "salvation" at the table once doesn't mean you can say you don't want people to be saved any more.  That is truly shocking.  Even if you're kidding, don't say that.  What do you mean about only 144,000 people getting into heaven and you don't want too much competition for YOUR slot so you won't tell them about Jesus?   Good grief.

And your, "In the old days, people spoke in tongues.  I speak with mouth," comment.  How could you NOT get why Mom doesn't like that one?   You should also know that statements like, "I'm a latter-day saint.  I'm so much brighter than the saints from the former days," are somewhat inflammatory to most Christians and Mormons alike.

And you may not start a sentence with, "In the beginning, Chuck Norris..."  It just won't end well for you.  Soon I will be printing up a script for you to use at dinner.  I love you, and some of your jokes are funny, but you really need to review Psalm 1.  Again.

You were such a fiery little preacher when you were three.  What happened??