14 September 2010

Ten Misconceptions About Back-to-School

Passed around facebook under the title, "10 Misconceptions of Moms and Back-to-School."  Can't seem to find an author.  Um, just read it and tell me what you think...

Misconception Number 1: Moms miss their kids when they go back to school . Seriously. I’ve had enough of you by now. Every morning with the “what are we going to do today, Mom?” is finally over. I’ve had looked at your face twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It’s time to go learn something. No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up late and watch a movie. It’s over….You’re going back to Hogwarts and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it’s called “back to school”.

Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping. Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes?…so I can rack up a 200 dollar bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers. Why does it have to be new pencils? What’s wrong with the chewed up, broken strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn’t mind so much….why not pencils, erasers and vodka or some Nyquil.

Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night. Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You’re the teacher…I’m the parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can’t get a prize from the prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I’m pretty old school. If he doesn’t listen to you…you can throw something at him. I don’t care. But I got a lot of work to do at home and I’m paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I’m pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe I’ve never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got it. We’re all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah Blah. Can I leave now?

Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork. How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn’t have a nickname….call him “stinkbutt” for all I care. We don’t have any “special circumstances” that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that qualifies as a reason he can’t get his homework done on time then he won’t be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to “educate” him on that life lesson.

Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky paper. What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it? From now on I’m covering it the old way…brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who says moms can’t multitask? PS. Please tell my son if he can’t find his lunch to look in his science book.

Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework. What? I am scared out of my mind. I’m pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don’t really know my 12 times tables, I read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don’t know how to conjugate anything but I do know that song “conjuction junction what’s your function” if that helps at all. And please don’t even say the words “new math” to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?

Misconception Number 7: Moms can’t wait to pack your lunch every day until we die. I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of “mom fun”, lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will find a kid to trade with…I’m sure someone likes sardines.

Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities. I don’t know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn’t at 8:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it “after-hours activities” so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don’t worry about us though I’m sure that me and “what’s his name” will be married a very long time.

Misconception Number 9: Moms don’t mind taking you to school if you miss the bus . Your bus comes at 7:10 am….which means that you should be standing by the door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast, chasing the dog around the house or in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I’m taking a shower. Get it together! I don’t like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12 screaming , “Please wait”

Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school . We do cry but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major damage. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and CEO’s run million dollar businesses but…you teach a kid not to poop their pants and then you can say you’ve made the world a better place.

8 comments:

  1. I don't find these funny. Actually if I thought it was even halfway true I'd wonder why these people ever became parents at all. I like having my Star round 24/7. I miss her on the rare occassions she's gone. I still haven't got used to Liddy not being home. But then I'm weird. I homeschool! ;D

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  2. Well, the second on was slightly funny, but the rest were mean and/or sad.

    So sad.

    On the other hand, making lunch isn't exactly the highlight of my day, either.

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  3. Maybe sometimes I wish my kids were gone, but I found that the attitude behind these was very offensive.

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  4. Not funny.

    Kind of makes you wonder what kind of person wrote this actually thinking it was funny.

    Glad I am not their kid.

    Not every aspect of back to school is all sparkles and fun....but school isn't your pinch hitter for parenting either.Being involved, and loving it MATTERS.

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  5. I homeschool.
    Can I send Aspie teen to the local high school on random days as an excursion?
    No?
    Drats :P

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  6. huh...school shopping and book covers. colored pencils vs. markers vs. crayons - seriously...let the kid color with what they have! you're just teaching them to value needless excess and that everyone needs to be the same. what about teaching frugality, making due with what you have, being creative to make it work?

    helping with schoolwork...sounds like the list-maker really thinks the kids are smarter than she is. just wait til they his high school and think that too...yet i understand that you pay so much tax money and the kids are gone so long, why on earth can't they learn all this IN the class??

    sounds like this mom just didn't want kids. glad they're gone, doesn't want to help mold their minds/personalities, doesn't want to spend time with them AFTER school...

    as a teacher i'd hope parents would like to get to know what i'd worked so hard on and get to know the person who will practically be raising them during the school year, esp. with parents who don't value them and write crazy lists like these.

    with a different heart and blessed circumstances, we're planning on homeschooling. :)

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  7. from M by email:

    As a teacher, I always had all my children cover their notebooks in that sticky paper. The reason why is the notebooks literally fall totally apart the way a lot of kids keep them and treat them. If they are covered, they actually last for the whole school year, and then you don't have to buy new ones.

    Everything else, I agree with one thousand percent (as a mom myself)!

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Non-troll comments always welcome! :)