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Salamigate 2013

Exhibit A.
I'm already crabby and grumpy because no one listens to me.  If only everyone did everything exactly as I said, nothing bad would ever happen.  But nooo.  Tragedy upon tragedy had to happen in my home this morning, because the routine is slightly off-kilter.

Which means I'm off-kilter, really.  The people who live with me will tell you it doesn't take much.

Elf opened the fridge and an entire package of salami somehow fell out, flipped upside-down, opened, and spilled all over the floor. 

It was tragic!  That was D's salami.  He had juuust bought it at Sam's Club.  Sam's Club is 20 minutes away, so that's like a whole hour's worth of work right there when you consider the shopping that has to be done.

So I'm annoyed.  I tell Elf to pick up the salami, put the dirty parts in the trash and save the clean stuff.

And he goes and throws the whole package away!  He made sure to mix all the salami up during the clean-up process, too.

I tried explaining to him that you only throw away the parts that actually touched the ground, not the clean stuff that is on top of the dirty stuff.  I'm even getting little papers out and demonstrating the process on my kitchen counter with an annoyed tone.  Elf is explaining that everything is touching everything so it all gets chucked.

I'm so mad.  I made him call his dad at work to explain what happened because I sure wasn't gonna be the fall guy for all this.  And I was all miffed about this and some other stuff and Patrick just tells Elf, "She just needs something to be mad about right now."

Goody!  I've sure found something now!  Now I'm all mad at Patrick.  Lots of bickering ensues.

Have you had one of those mornings recently?

I haven't been feeling well and Emperor kindly reviewed all my symptoms and came up with "influenza."  He said this was "quite likely, as you display at least one respiratory symptom and one constitutional symptom."

Yeah, my freedom of speech thing has been in full force lately, but I'm not saying anything because that's been getting me into trouble.

"How long has this been going on?" he wondered.  I told him about two weeks.

"It's not influenza, then," he said.  "Given that you have had some cold symptoms earlier, it still could be, but it's unlikely."

Patrick tells me my symptoms indicate "lack of good sleep," and that I might go try that sometime and see if my life improves.  Brilliant.


  1. What! 5 second rule (or how ever many seconds). Would let hubby know it hit the floor and he can decide if he wants to eat it or not.

    1. It's been in the trash in the hot garage all day so I'm guessing... no.

  2. Not to dismiss this .. but I didn't just buy this ... it is several weeks old and half eaten already. However, they should be listening to you ... and have some common sense.

    1. Since you just went to Sam's yesterday, I ASSumed. You know how that goes.

  3. Ha ha ha ha! Hysterical!
    This is the kind of stuff that happens to me all the time!
    Coupled with my (recently) explosive temper, i can easily make quite a fuss over any numbe of day-to-day frustrations :)
    i hope you feel better soon.
    Have some salami, eh?

    1. Thanks, Dad! I am gonna pass on the salami. Tonight's dinner was cheesy bread and Cocoa Krispies! Because I can.

  4. Man, Ashley recently pulled one on me. I bought a ton of eggs from Costco for my diet. I had them in the fridge but when she decided to help and free up a fridge a little, she put them in the freezer. So I go to get my eggs out the next morning and they are not in the fridge. So then I check our second fridge. What the heck? With a sinking feeling I check the freezer and, yep, there it was. Frozen eggs CAN be used but they are not tasty at all. After you cook them they are more rubbery and just all around gross. Sigh. I guess I'll just have to starve or something. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.... Yeah, lots of sighs. I hate making that trip out to Cosco. Takes forever.

    1. It's hard to see food go to waste, but it's REALLY hard to see a mega-pack of anything go to waste. :(

      I wisht we had a Costco nearby. I keep hearing how wonderful they are.

  5. The first thing that came to mind when you said the salami fell on the floor and had to be thrown out... the five second rule!
    If it's only been on the floor for five seconds before you pick it up it's still fine!
    I am presuming the salami was on the floor longer than that.
    Shame about that.
    Sounds like Emperor should be a Dr one day! lol

    1. He'd be an excellent one if it weren't for all that social skills stuff you have to display with your patients. :)

  6. For the entire package to spill out that salami must have already been opened, a still sealed package wouldn't open just by dropping to the floor. So whoever opened it and ate some, must have been careless when putting it back in the fridge, so that it was in a position to drop when the door was opened. I agree with the 5 second rule, except in our house it was always 3 seconds. A product such as salami can be rinsed under cold water, patted dry with paper towel and it will be fine.
    Another thing we always did was opened packages of anything were never left in the opened package, but transferred to a sealed lunchbox type container, tupperware or similar.
    Hope you feel better soon, did you get some extra sleep?

    1. I did! And I'd love to say I feel better, but now I have a higher fever and a rotten headache. Wisely, I have chosen to eat some spicy Indian food and drink lots of coffee to counteract this.

  7. Have just read Mr D's comment. That package was several weeks old? Several WEEKS?? Had it been opened that long? Surely it wouldn't be still good, it would dry out and be hard to chew.

    1. I don't think it was that old, but it is one of those kinds that expire in like July so as long as you don't open the original packaging it stays good.

  8. I am ten minutes from a Costco. They are vastly superior to Sam's.

    I do, however, hate-hate-hate throwing out food. You might as well be tearing up dollar bills and flushing them down the toilet.

    If your Constitutional Issues are indeed about the Constitution, then I'm afraid that's going around. Everytime I turn on the news I feel a relapse coming on.

  9. My captcha word was Massiliensis.

    Seriously Blogger? That's ridiculous.

    1. I am not sure if Massiliensis is a disease or a fancy castle in France.

      I know, right? I keep thinking of blogging this or that and then I think... we all know it and it is happening anyway and nothing short of armed revolution is gonna change it. In which case, most times revolutions don't lead to really nice republic/citizen-led governments. You get dudes in military suits (weird beards and hats optional) who make things even worse.

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