Rose!

Several times a day she will tell me that the doctor hurt me and "you no pick up me."  I tell her I am ok now but she is a big girl and has to climb on my lap herself.  And I need her help because she is growing up!  She will nod her head.  It is a story she needs to hear right now, I guess.  Here she is with her dolly.  "Dowwy, she look like me! See a hairbow!"  That's so cute that children start to prefer little dolls and things that look like them from such a young age.  The blonde doll doesn't seem to be her fave any more.  From the preschool, I hear that she is "very social" and can now say her real full name properly like a big kid and give her age.

Grendel Goes to Wal-Mart

(By Emperor.  Based on his modern interpretation of the Beowulf character. Reprinted with permission.)

One day, in a bog, Grendel ate his breakfast. Later he said to his dad, "I'm tired of cooked mortal meat EVERY day! We should get some raw!"

Then his dad said, "Fine, then we go shopping!" So they left Grendel's mom home and went on foot to Wal-Mart. Grendel asked his dad if he could eat a customer while his dad shopped. Dad thought and said, "If the manager is not watching and only one." He also warned Grendel to wash his hands after he ate because Mom doesn't like blood on her carpet.

Well, something came on the news at Grendel's home while they were out. The news reporters were speaking of a missing customer. They talked about some bones on the floor and they say it may be some evidence for us wise reporters and detectives.

Grendel's mom panicked. "My poor innocent Grendel is at that store!"

She drove like a speeder to the Wal-Mart parking lot. In her hurry, she forgot to dress up and she only had her underwear on. When she got out of the car, some customers just ignored her thinking that she was a crazy person.

She ran into the store and took a look at the evidence. She saw no claws, so she reasoned that Grendel just ate another customer. She went looking for Grendel and his dad. She eventually found Grendel's dad alone with a worried look on his face. She yelled, "What's going on?!"

"Grendel is on an Easter hunt," he said. "He is hoping to get a big chocolate bunny for dessert."

"Ok, let's get out of here, then," she said. They found Grendel eating the bunny without checking it out. They put the bunny back on the shelf half-eaten. Then they got a new one and checked out.

Out and About With Emperor

We've finished our testing with the school district for Emperor!  I have only to turn some paperwork in and wait.  That's good to get all that out of the way before the snowy season.  I quizzed him about his latest speech test on the way to the grocery store.  "They asked about sayings and things like that," he told me.  "One was, 'All that glitters is not gold.'"

Ok, so what did you tell her it meant?  "I told her that it meant you had to get one of those people who knows whether things are gold or not to look at it because looks can be deceiving," he said.  (I'm wondering if he got credit for "knowing" this one.  Half-credit, maybe?)

So, what did she say? I asked him.  "She said, 'OK.'  Whether I get something right or wrong or even just don't know it she says, 'OK.' just like that."

Other sayings?  "Even the largest tree bends with the wind.  And I told her it meant it didn't matter how old you were, you would get in trouble sooner or later if your mom finds out."  (??)

"The only other one I remember was, 'What does grass and a blanket have in common?'  And I told her that they are both water-absorbent."  Here he paused.  "Although then I said it depended on the cloth.  Some material doesn't absorb water so well.  I'm not sure exactly why she asked that one."

That.  Is hilarious.  I'm thinking she meant they are both coverings, Emperor.  The grass covers the ground and a blanket covers a bed.  Emperor thought that was a very unique answer to the question and I informed him that actually? That was the answer they were looking for.  Probably.  (I start to doubt myself sometimes.) Emperor is not really sure about that, though it is a very clever answer that he never thought of. 

On to shopping, because there is no soy milk in the house.

"Just how many reindeer DOES Santa have?" asked Emperor incredulously as we were listening to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" on the loudspeaker. "And how did everybody find out their names?  Don't say wikipedia."

Emperor and I picked out some fruit and some soy milk and browsed around for milk-free snacks.  It's not our usual store so we got lost a fair bit and heard ohh... at least three songs.  One was "Let it Snow."  Emperor was a bit miffed that the singer thinks he is "letting" it snow at all.  Even if he didn't want it to snow, you can't stop God from snowing on everything.  That's just... why is he singing about that?

"Is it just bad theology?" I asked him.  It's just bad logic, really... he told me.  He shook his head sadly at the silliness of it all and said,  "Well, that's music these days, I guess."

Happy Thanksgiving!

Homeschool House Tour!

Do you know how long it took me to get everyone reasonably quiet, shoot 5 minutes' worth of video, and upload it to youtube?  A fair while, I'll tell you that!  I hope you enjoy it.  I wasn't as brave as Blondee, posting a vlog about myself, but this is more interesting anyway.

Big Family Barf Bonanza!

It's a bonanza, I tell you!  Read this post and join the fun.  I considered adding Mr. Linky, but I don't know if I'm up to reading the entries I'd get...

Well, we thought Woodjie just had a little tummy bug or ate the wrong thing yesterday.  Of course little did we know what was coming up next.

Emperor started in on it when I was on the way to see the surgeon for a follow-up.  Here we are in the hospital elevator and RETCH! just like that, chunking it up out of nowhere, there he goes.  We made a beeline for the bathroom when the doors finally opened, and I got a pink kidney-shaped tray from the receptionist after giving her numerous apologies.  Drove him home and back to the appointment I went.  Yes, I had the custodians called.  What can you do.  At least he didn't make it into the waiting room where everyone is getting prepped for surgery.  I would have felt awful if that happened.  I know how nervous I get before surgery about "people with germs."

Appointment souvenir.



I'm fine, by the way.  No lifting ever, ever again, but I am fine.  I was worried about maybe having popped another hernia (there was much crying last night) but it turns out this is just weird scar tissue.  Another appointment in a couple of weeks.  Well, that does it for all the school testing Emperor was going to do this afternoon.  He doesn't even GO to school and I had to call him in sick.  :)  He has literally been in and out of the bathroom/bed until five minutes ago. 

As I was washing Rose's hands after dinner, she told me her tummy hurt.  Ten minutes later, it was chicken salad container time for her.  Then Patrick was down.  D is informing me that he feels ill as well.  Just as a conversation piece, it is called the "Flyin' Hawaiian" when you get sick on both ends as you switch from squatting facing one way and the other way, like those surfers hopping about.  Picturesque, is it not?

Elf and I sat together alone and watched a movie together.  It was nice to be away from all those horrid germs.  After the movie, I said good night to Elf, gave him hugs and snuzzles and he went upstairs.

And vomited.

Oh yay, what a night!

Do you want to know what Emperor did when he finally got out of bed?  Oh yeah, brought down all his blankets, came up RIGHT NEXT TO ME, and told me that he didn't want to catch everybody's germs.

Tales for Young Men

"Grendel's plan, I think, will be
What it has been before, to invade this hall
And gorge his belly with our bodies.  If he can,
If he can.  And I think, if my time will have come,
There'll be nothing to mourn over, no corpse to
    prepare
For its grave:  Grendel will carry our bloody
Flesh to the moors, crunch on our bones
And smear torn scraps of our skin on the walls
Of his den.  No, I expect no Danes
Will fret about sewing our shrouds, if he wins. 
And if death does take me, send the hammered
Mail of my armor to Higlac, return
The inheritance I had from Hrethel, and he
From Wayland.  Fate will unwind as it must!"

(Beowulf, lines 442-455, translated by Burton Raffel, Signet Classic edition)

Emperor seems to read well enough.  It is not his favourite subject, but he likes Beowulf a lot.  "It's very pretty," he tells me. "I like writing that is beautiful and has a lot of adjectives in it.  This lets me know what is really going on." 

Yep.  There's really no mistake about what's happening in literature like this, and the character motivation doesn't seem to be so deep or introspective as many tales marketed to children seem to be.  It's understandable to Emperor in a way standard "kid" literature is NOT. He has a lot of trouble with your usual kid-fiction. 

Emperor is currently being tested by our school district to see if he needs any sort of special services.  Lately the tests they have been giving him are reported to be boring.  Emperor tells me they had him read and answer stories about some child and a dragon.  "But, the story had no taste to it."

No taste?  Surely my kid isn't getting all highbrow and pining for classic literature only?  I asked him a few questions about the readings he was supposed to do.  One is about a dragon and a small town, he told me, rolling his eyes.  Well what about it?  "Four letters," he said.  "L-A-M-E."

Stories about odd creatures such as dragons and Grendel and Orcs and what-have-you are usually very exciting! 

Ughhh... Emperor explained that this one is about a dragon that steals people away from the town.  Everyone was scared and didn't know what to do until some little kid went off to find out what the problem was.  "And ALL SHE NEEDED TO DEAL WITH THE DRAGON WAS A MAP AND SOME FOOD."

As if this weren't insulting enough to the reader's intelligence, Emperor reports that the kid brought along as her companion some fluffy thing called MISTER FEATHERS.  Here I got another good eyeroll from him at the stupidity of the story. 

"Mister Feathers and the girl find the dragon and then they just TALK with the dragon.  The dragon tells them he is picking up all the people to save them from the avalanche that will be destroying the town soon." He shook his head and put his hand up to his brow as though the whole ordeal were painful to recount.

"THE END."

"The story just sucked, Mom."

Well, maybe it did.  I don't fault the school for having sucky stories during the testing process because I'm thinking that it might be a test to see if the child is able to remain calm and polite under duress or something.  (I dunno.)  Usually these "tests" have a hidden objective and the thing you think you're getting tested on isn't the thing they're really measuring. 

But on the whole, I hear boys are "behind" on reading.  I wonder at us as parents for not having better literature choices than the Junie B. Jones series in our personal family libraries.  Sorry, I hate those.  They are just WRONG. 

Am I the only one with reading pet peeves?  Looks like I passed mine onto my children somehow.