08 May 2011

The Retirement Party

"Guess who's retiring, Elf?" I asked.

"DAD?" Elf said in amazement. No, not Dad. It was his first grade teacher, Mrs. Old. Mrs. Old probably is an excellent teacher of complaint little girls, but of autistic elves? Not so much.

Elf was OVERJOYED to hear that Mrs. Old would be retiring. "Can we make a cake to celebrate??" he asked. He said this was a great day for *all* the little children. I don't think a politician could make a more declarative statement. His pudgy little face just beamed.

Actually, Elf, Merriwether and William Elementary is having a BIG PARTY and the public is invited to celebrate Mrs. Old's retirement on Tuesday night.

"If they knew she was that bad a teacher that they had to have a party because she is leaving, they should have gotten rid of her a long time ago," he told me sternly. Well, that's sort of one of those things people do... they have parties when someone retires. (Come to think of it, why do we do that?)

"Can we go to the party?" he asked. "We can say that we are very *happy* she is going away. And we can eat cake."

That doesn't sound very nice, Elf. Nevermind that it's chess club night. You're supposed to say nice things about the person retiring at these parties. OK? OK, ok, ok, he said. Here are some ideas he's come up with for the card he wants to make:

* Happy Retirement.

(And Mom, just saying that isn't bad. Hoping she has a happy time. I will draw happy children on the front of the card and it will look nice.) And on the inside of the card it should say, "Hope your retirement is so happy that you realize this is something you should have done long ago."

Another idea for a card:

*Don't worry about things getting worse when you leave!

What, none of these work? How about a "congratulations" card to the first graders at Merriwether and William Elementary? No?

Well, I had *hoped* that hearing of her retirement would be a mildly interesting tidbit and perhaps bring a smile to his face. Not jubilant Munchkin dancing and requests for Mrs. Old's address and a stamp. I think Mrs. Old is going to enjoy her retirement. I know this because she was counting down the years and days since G was her student many years ago...


  1. Oh that is JUST SO DARN FUNNY!
    I vote that you should let him make card number 2!

    btw....SO happy I can now follow you on networked blogs....i ALWAYS used to forget to drop in on the elves before :)

  2. Yay! I'm glad it's working for you; I'm getting confused with all the networking options.

    Elf is pretty funny but what's more funny is that he's serious!! lol :)

  3. I love Elf! I think you should go and have some cake! ;-)

  4. Rofl!!!!!

    Elf's sentiments are genuine and heartfelt...you couldn't do better with Hallmark!!

    I'd go to the party and let him hand her the card! Oooh...and eat cake!

    *My security word is pyrooo!!!! lol

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  6. I love ELF's card ideas.. I really do! You should go and eat cake, it's the least you can do. lol

  7. Oh. My. Blunt to the point of hilarity. He should go & eat cake.

  8. Elf should write a line of greeting cards. 'Call it "Out of the mouth of babes . . ." as a cute cover for cards that are so outrageously honest no one takes them seriously.


Non-troll comments always welcome! :)