(Pictures: two sets of rock garden before/after shots.) When I tell people that I have several autistic children, they somehow seem to think that I am some walking marvel who can magically get everything done. The reality is that I cannot. *
My yard is overgrown and the poison ivy and small wild trees are literally five feet tall in some places. I cannot "just" go outside with the children and get things finished. I cannot "just" schedule my own medical appointments. I have to wait until summertime and then decide whether it's worth asking Patrick to take on a paid babysitting job. My husband is already "just" taking all the time off from work he can so that I can attend at least some dopey IEP meetings during the school year without ALLLLL the smaller children and he can get the dopey medical appointments done for certain children downtown or we can get cars serviced, or he takes days off when big things come up, etc. (nevermind vacations... they do not happen). The reality is that my basement is stacked full of crap almost five feet high (six to seven in some places) because I cannot, I do not, "just" have the time to sort through my things.
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I'm very exasperated almost all the time.
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I don't know where to put my stuff or my anger. I feel left behind by all of life. As it stands, I had to pay Patrick $10 so that I could have the honour of digging around outside today. I'm very sore and for some reason my elbows hurt from pulling weeds. Soon, I will be paying him $10 for the honour of getting my teeth cleaned and having the pearly-white toothed hygenist ask me whether I ever even brush my teeth and show me on the model how to floss. Insulting.
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And my weight. I "just" don't have time to cook good meals for myself and have eaten an entire bag of goldfish this afternoon. Not bad, you think? It is if you shop at Sam's Club. That's the sort of dinner I eat around these parts, but I have at least weaned myself off of the Oreos. I had one today, for the first time in about two weeks. And I stopped at one. So I am heartened that I do have some self-control.
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So I just want to tell you that... SOMEDAY, I'm going to be ok. SOMEDAY I will find a place to put all this anger. SOMEDAY I will stop screaming all the time. SOMEDAY my house is going to be organized. I don't mean perfect. I just mean I'm going to be all right. I am having a very hard time figuring out how on earth to live from day to day, but someday I'm going to be all right.
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I just don't know how to get there.
You're going to get there.
ReplyDeleteIf you didn't care, you wouldn't be worried about the weeds and making any attempt at all to pull them.
If you didn't care, you wouldn't be angry. You'd just settle and live with the boxes and clutter.
If you didn't care, you'd have the Goldfish WITH Oreos and some M&M's to boot.
I *have no idea* how you manage day to day, my hat is off to you. It cannot be easy, and somehow, you still manage to see the light at the end of the tunnel...and it's definitely there. One step at a time, just like the weeds, bit by bit you are turning things around and I am SO proud of you over the Oreos...because I know those are addictive and a 'favorite' lean on food.
You are making changes. It might not be earth moving HUGE changes all at once, but you've got fight in you, it's baby steps right now. Those baby steps add up to two weeks without Oreos!!! So proud, my friend.
Awww sweetie I do so feel for you. It can't be easy being Mum to your handful of kids.... with so many of them have challenging behaviours. Hang in there cos I am sure one day things will get easier... I really hope so for your sake.
ReplyDelete♥Hugs♥ I understand the anger. I understand the frustration ~ & the hurt & I live over here & you live over there & sometimes life just sucks. It just does. Have a cyber hug. It won't help but it's the best I can do from here ~ plus a little prayer.
ReplyDelete"Someday I am going to stop screaming all the time."
ReplyDeleteMake that today. Start with a half hour of not screaming and build up gradually.
Is Patrick able to take turns with some weed pulling?
Did you have goldchips with those goldfish? Ha Ha.
You know, it's funny...occasionally picks of your home slip into the web-site, and I was thinking..MY GOSH, that woman is so organized!!!
ReplyDeleteI have one child...and yet, I act like a martyr at times. Oh, boo-hoo. (lightweight)
You should see my yard. We have 10 foot trees growing along the fence. I think of them every day.
YOU GOTTA LOWER YOUR STANDARDS, GIRL... you are doing 5x more than me!
Really, remember to breathe. You are doing the best you can. You mean a lot to a LOT of people. We don't want you to stroke out.
Virtual hugs, Mrs. C.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Blondee on this. You are doing things and trying and sometimes that IS good enough. Heaven's knows there is just not enough time in the day to get everything done.
ReplyDeleteAnd the Oreo's---how did you stop at one? There is NO WAY I can do that!!
Hang in there, Happy Elf Mom!
ReplyDeleteRaising kids is a frustrating business. You never get credit for doing something right, but you'll get plenty of criticism for any mistake. And so much of it is out of our hands anyway ...
Ohhhhh, Mrs. C...... my heart is sad because I missed all this. I've had so little time to blog because of crazy stuff happening so I haven't been able to visit blogs I love. Yours is the first one I visit whenever I read online. But I missed this and sad I didn't get to comment till now.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I have ONE Asperger kid and I know how hard it is. BUT, he is high functioning. You have a lot more on your hands. Plus, of course you're probably leaving out other things you are going through for privacy sake.
I can't believe how incredibly smart you are. If anything, I'd pay you to homeschool MY KIDS. You always blow me away but all you have in your brain. Seriously. You are a great mom. You ARE there for your kids. You protect them with a fiery vengeance and don't let anyone mess with your kids.
It's so hard not to resort to food as a comfort food. I never used to be like that till I had kids. Before when I was sad or stressed I didn't eat. I wish that was my problem now but instead I lean towards comfort food. I hope you feel better in your heart soon. Love you, Mrs. C